The Ugly Truth

In my estimation it is impossible to look at myself as an objective observer because I cannot see myself through a lens that doesn't include all my insecurities and perceived flaws. I think even the most secure person will still look at an image of themselves and see what is wrong along with what is right. In direct contrast to that, I also carry around this image of myself that is younger, fitter and more attractive than what I am in reality. Layering these two truths on top of each other opens the door for even more insecurities, self-loathing and disappointment because I look at myself and, not only do I not see that younger, fitter, more attractive image than I carry in my head, but I also direct my attention to all the things that aren't perfect and need improvement. My 5 year old took this photo of me. When I came across it, unexpectedly, it was a slap in the face. My first instinct is to say that it is just a bad angle (which it is), but bad angle or not, this is what I look like. More importantly, this is how my 5 year old sees me. I know that he doesn't look at me the way I look at myself, as a mom I get the fortunate position of 'the most beautiful girl in the world' to 3 boys (at least until they hit puberty), but even still, this is not the image I want them to have of me. I don't want them to think being overweight and hating that about yourself is something that can't be changed. I don't want to shy away from the camera, or hide behind a kid every time someone wants a picture. I want to look the way I feel, like the person I thought I was when I signed up for a triathlon before ever having run a step, or biked a mile or swum a lap. The good news is that I think I'm on my way...