Staying the Course

As August 25th gets closer and closer, I find I that I have to convince myself that this is actually going to happen. It may be a complete and total failure, but it IS going to happen. I mistakenly believed that once Summer got here I'd have so much free time to train and that it would be easy to get into a solid routine for my workouts. Needless to say that hasn't really happened, though I am doing better than I would be if I weren't scared shitless about "competing" in a Triathlon. I'm realizing that I can commit to working out OR I can commit to eating right, but somehow, up to this point, those two things have been mutually exclusive for me. If I have a good workout I reward myself with food. It's a fucked up perspective, but I didn't get the stats of an NFL center (or whichever position is the biggest) by having a logical take on things. This week my focus will be to stay within my WW points AND do all my workouts. My weekly goals are to: Run 4 times per week (using C25k) Swim 1500M per week (some at home in my pool and some at the city pool) and Bike 20 miles per week (this will be the biggest hurdle) Biking is an issue for me for a few reasons, not the least of which is that I am scared to do it. I need to be riding on the street, you know where there are cars speeding past, but I'm scared of getting hit, or of falling down. A guy I went to high school with, and worked with for a few summers, was killed training for his own triathlon on the very bridge that I'm supposed to be riding over. This memory just resurfaced the other day when I was trying to figure out why I'm reluctant to get on my own bike. I remember when I'd heard he was killed training for a triathlon I thought it was such a crazy thing to be doing, and now here I am, doing it myself. When it comes down to it, it's like anything else, I need to just sac up and get my ass on the bike. Once I ride a few times, I think I'll get over my fears and focus on my goals. I'll check in at the end of the week to see if I accomplished my goals for the week.

The Ugly Truth

In my estimation it is impossible to look at myself as an objective observer because I cannot see myself through a lens that doesn't include all my insecurities and perceived flaws. I think even the most secure person will still look at an image of themselves and see what is wrong along with what is right. In direct contrast to that, I also carry around this image of myself that is younger, fitter and more attractive than what I am in reality. Layering these two truths on top of each other opens the door for even more insecurities, self-loathing and disappointment because I look at myself and, not only do I not see that younger, fitter, more attractive image than I carry in my head, but I also direct my attention to all the things that aren't perfect and need improvement. My 5 year old took this photo of me. When I came across it, unexpectedly, it was a slap in the face. My first instinct is to say that it is just a bad angle (which it is), but bad angle or not, this is what I look like. More importantly, this is how my 5 year old sees me. I know that he doesn't look at me the way I look at myself, as a mom I get the fortunate position of 'the most beautiful girl in the world' to 3 boys (at least until they hit puberty), but even still, this is not the image I want them to have of me. I don't want them to think being overweight and hating that about yourself is something that can't be changed. I don't want to shy away from the camera, or hide behind a kid every time someone wants a picture. I want to look the way I feel, like the person I thought I was when I signed up for a triathlon before ever having run a step, or biked a mile or swum a lap. The good news is that I think I'm on my way...