Sidelined

This post is not for the faint of heart and provides TMI to the highest degree. Consider yourself warned, read at your own risk. No one ever stopped reading after such a warning, but really, once you know this about me, there is no way for you to EVER un-know it. Do you really want to go there? OK, you asked for it... Yesterday I had an awesome 12 mile bike ride followed by a 1.5 mile run. I felt great afterwards and I was so proud that I was able to run after the bike ride.I was finally starting to feeling like I would be able to, at least, finish the triathlon that was happening in only 21 days. Unfortunately, that feeling of greatness and hope was short lived... I came home, took a shower and sat down on my bed when my husband noticed that I was bleeding pretty heavily. I, of course, thought I had started my period. Since I have entered the world of peri-menopause nothing about my, once very benign, cycle surprises me anymore. No big deal, I went to get the necessary protective equipment for just such a time and began to go about the business of getting dressed. My husband, once again, alerted me to the fact that blood was running down my leg. WTF I had taken care of this, why the hell was I still bleeding? I followed the trail of blood back to the bathroom and got in the shower. After some embarrassing detective work, I discovered that I was not on my period after all. All clear on that front, which meant that the blood could only be coming from one other orifice. That's right folks, my ass was leaking!!! At this point my bathroom was looking like a crime scene and I was definitely feeling like a victim of some sick joke. Since having my third child, I have had hemorrhoids on and off, but it has never been anything big, just another side effect of surviving past my 20's. I had never had an experience quite like this though. I was panicked thinking I was going to have to go to the ER ass-end-up just to get the bleeding to stop. After 20 minutes it slowed considerably and after an hour or two it did stop completely and has not returned. For that I am thankful, but I am still needing to see an asshole Dr. in the very near future. I can't fucking wait!!! The last time I had to let a Dr. check out my asshole I was in college and the Dr. was barely out of it himself. He dug around in my butt with a finger full of KY while I choked on my vanishing dignity. Afterwards, he made small talk with me about soccer and UT and whatever the hell else he saw fit. All I could do was avoid eye contact. Turns out I had dysentery (wtf???right???) This time I get to go in there with something sinister and bloody hanging out of my ass. It's gonna be fabulous. As far as the triathlon goes, I'm done with training for now. I am not even going to attempt a bike ride or a run or anything that would cause me to strain myself. If I have another prolonged bleed like that, I will surely end up at the ER, or dead on my bathroom floor. If I was in decent enough shape and could get treatment in time I could still consider competing on AUG. 25th, but since I still need every moment possible to prepare, which I can temporarily NOT do, I am going to have to postpone my first TRI. I won't lie and say that I don't feel some sense of relief to have bought myself some more time to get ready, but it is coming at the expense of my asshole and my pride. What the fuck am I going to tell people who all know I was planning to do this??? Mostly I'm disappointed. I was finally getting in a good groove...and now there is a chance that I may never get back on this wagon... For now, I'll just take my donut pillow and go home.

Vacation!!!

I recently went on a 3 week vacation, well, technically my actual vacation only lasted 5 days, but you know, who's counting? I had to give myself time to mentally prepare for vacation. The last thing anyone would have wanted is for my body to shut down from the utter shock of being in a new town experiencing new things, right? That logic made so much more sense in my head, in writing it looks more like an excuse. I did continue to run right up to the day before we got on the plane, but my diet suffered severely... I had the, 'well we are about to be going on vacation anyway' attitude towards food, which was basically me sabotaging myself. Then when we were actually on the trip, I planned to be 'good' but fell just sort of total gluttony. Now that we are back I have given myself 3 full recovery days where I have done little else, but eat whatever I want and sit on the couch. I'm sure that has done wonders for my fitness level. I know mentally, it has left me in a funk where I don't like anybody, including myself. So today is the day I officially return from vacation. I'm not turning on the TV until I finish all the items on my LOOOOOOONG todo list. I'm scared shitless about going running and finding out how much of a backslide my behavior has caused me to take, but I have to start somewhere. I'd be lying if I said that that count-down falling below 40 days isn't freaking me out a bit. Being nowhere near where I should be at this point might have something to do with that. That's all for now, I've got to go get some shit done!!!

Staying the Course

As August 25th gets closer and closer, I find I that I have to convince myself that this is actually going to happen. It may be a complete and total failure, but it IS going to happen. I mistakenly believed that once Summer got here I'd have so much free time to train and that it would be easy to get into a solid routine for my workouts. Needless to say that hasn't really happened, though I am doing better than I would be if I weren't scared shitless about "competing" in a Triathlon. I'm realizing that I can commit to working out OR I can commit to eating right, but somehow, up to this point, those two things have been mutually exclusive for me. If I have a good workout I reward myself with food. It's a fucked up perspective, but I didn't get the stats of an NFL center (or whichever position is the biggest) by having a logical take on things. This week my focus will be to stay within my WW points AND do all my workouts. My weekly goals are to: Run 4 times per week (using C25k) Swim 1500M per week (some at home in my pool and some at the city pool) and Bike 20 miles per week (this will be the biggest hurdle) Biking is an issue for me for a few reasons, not the least of which is that I am scared to do it. I need to be riding on the street, you know where there are cars speeding past, but I'm scared of getting hit, or of falling down. A guy I went to high school with, and worked with for a few summers, was killed training for his own triathlon on the very bridge that I'm supposed to be riding over. This memory just resurfaced the other day when I was trying to figure out why I'm reluctant to get on my own bike. I remember when I'd heard he was killed training for a triathlon I thought it was such a crazy thing to be doing, and now here I am, doing it myself. When it comes down to it, it's like anything else, I need to just sac up and get my ass on the bike. Once I ride a few times, I think I'll get over my fears and focus on my goals. I'll check in at the end of the week to see if I accomplished my goals for the week.

The Ugly Truth

In my estimation it is impossible to look at myself as an objective observer because I cannot see myself through a lens that doesn't include all my insecurities and perceived flaws. I think even the most secure person will still look at an image of themselves and see what is wrong along with what is right. In direct contrast to that, I also carry around this image of myself that is younger, fitter and more attractive than what I am in reality. Layering these two truths on top of each other opens the door for even more insecurities, self-loathing and disappointment because I look at myself and, not only do I not see that younger, fitter, more attractive image than I carry in my head, but I also direct my attention to all the things that aren't perfect and need improvement. My 5 year old took this photo of me. When I came across it, unexpectedly, it was a slap in the face. My first instinct is to say that it is just a bad angle (which it is), but bad angle or not, this is what I look like. More importantly, this is how my 5 year old sees me. I know that he doesn't look at me the way I look at myself, as a mom I get the fortunate position of 'the most beautiful girl in the world' to 3 boys (at least until they hit puberty), but even still, this is not the image I want them to have of me. I don't want them to think being overweight and hating that about yourself is something that can't be changed. I don't want to shy away from the camera, or hide behind a kid every time someone wants a picture. I want to look the way I feel, like the person I thought I was when I signed up for a triathlon before ever having run a step, or biked a mile or swum a lap. The good news is that I think I'm on my way...

BAM!

For the last couple weeks I have been tossing around the idea of joining a triathlon group to help prepare me for my first race and maybe even to help motivate me to keep going beyond that. I was very hesitant to sign up and as a matter of fact I started the registration process no less than 3 times before I finally submitted my information. Even though they say they accept beginner triathletes, I don't feel qualified to join such a group. I am hoping that by the time I get my membership packet I'll be in decent enough shape to show up for some of the workouts. This really is a step WAY outside of my comfort zone, but I'm hoping it is a step in the right direction. There is something on the website about race teams, so I think my secret goal will be to qualify to be on one of them at some point, I'm just not going to tell anyone that just yet ;).

The Soundtrack

Something all "real" runners already know, which I have also found to be true, is that the right music can be the difference between a great workout and an ok one. I am constantly changing my running play list as I find new songs that I think will help me and as I tire of others. I actually have 2 different playlists for exercise, one is my "running" playlist and the other is my "workout" playlist. The running playlist is full of songs with the right beat or ryhthm to help me time my steps. If the beat is too slow, I will slow down, if it is too fast it won't feel just right for my run. I pay very little attention to the lyrics or the quality of the songs that I include in my playlist, because I really am more focused on the tempo. (I'm telling you that because I am embarrassed of some of the songs I listen too ;) Here is my current running playlist:

Now, for my workouts, the tempo is much less important than the psychological effect of the songs. I have to hear songs that pump me up. Again, some of the songs I have on here are a bit embarrassing, but hey, whatever works!!!

It's not hard to find help with building exercise playlist. Here are some links that have helped me choose songs that I might not have otherwise thought of... Women's health (exercise playlists) jog FM (self explanatory) jog tunes This one helps you find the right music for your pace. in the gym (for the gym, obviously)

M.I.A.

So do you like how I disappeared after I told you I was going to start training? I thought that was pretty awesome too. I didn't flake, I just haven't had time to blog about what I'm doing. I have been running, but I haven't really been following any of the training schedules I've found. Life has been crazy with baseball play-offs and my kids' swim practice, etc. etc. so I've just been getting out when I can. Last weekend, my purse was stolen out of our truck while we were at the hike & bike trails. Normally I would take this as a sign from the universe that I should stay fat and out of shape, but I've already paid for the triathlon (not to mention I've started this blog) so I'll keep going. We'll just call the purse theft "strike one" In an attempt to take charge of my training, I've started a calendar for myself. Using KeepandShare.com I was going to use my google calendar, but I wasn't sure how to start a new one without it interfering with my existing calendar, so I just looked elsewhere. I've only planned out the rest of May, but I will get to June next weekend. I'm sure I'm not doing it the "right way" but I'm just basing my activities off of the schedules I have seen, while incorporating the activities I am able to do.

KeepandShare.com^(R)  Share Online

I've also embedded a weekly calendar at the top of the blog, which should update automatically. My plan is to strikethrough workouts I actually complete and mark the ones I don't, just to keep a record for myself. I'm using the Couch to 5K App for my running training. I like it because it tells me when to run and when to walk. I REALLY hate checking my watch for the interval training, so having this app in my ear makes it so much easier! I have used it successfully (if successful = quit with injury during week 8) in the past so it made sense to go back to it again. I think the pool is warm enough to start swimming so I will be doing that this week too. I only wish I could find user friendly training apps for the swimming and biking, but until I do I guess I'll do it the old fashioned way!!